I . AM. SO. BLOATED.

ahhhh!

CARDS NOTE PERSONALIZED from Current Labels so my period came yesterday and the cramps are a mutha fugga. I got up early and was so ready to go out for a run -__-;; but I decided to take a day off. I aim for IDEALLY 4 DAYS of running. Just cuz I know my sneakers are bad and i dont wanna start hurting so much that I gotta take more days than I want off.

I did weigh in... STILL 114. SUCCCCKS. but at least I didn't gain. I have a feeling a lot of it is because of my bloaty periodness. I *had* to lose weight being that I totally revamped the way I eat in all. I pretty much *only* eat fruits and veggies. I might have had fried foods TWICE in a week -- not too many fruits/veggies are good fried-- so I think my period may have played a role in yesterday's weigh in. No sweat. Next week once I lose the bloat I'm sure I'll see the numbers drop.

I am *not* allowed to skip running tomorrow. I'm only giving myself 1 rest day due to cramps and all around feeling crappyness. 

My so called bf is still unhappy with me being vegan. He can go suck on a big meaty sausage. I told him I dont care what he does food-wise, but my choice is for me and either he deals with it or NOT. either way i'll be fine.

and i fell asleep on his couch, left in a tizzy this morning (I needed an effing tampon or something) and forgot my cell phone. So now i gotta go back over there. Ugh. I wasn't even trying to do all that today.

anyway... yesterday I ate

B: apple + a Steaz energy drink (135)
L: banana + salad (~250)
D: 6 inch veggie delite (~250)
S: french fries (~300)


Tomorrow I'm getting my weave done! My hair is gonna be soooo sexy. I'm excited. Right after I'm going to hit the town and flirt. haha. Hopefully find me a nice guy to buy me drinks. Or go take advantage of one of my favorite bartenders ;)

Buuut....I'm in the middle of getting dressed and eating breakfast and then going to HIS house to get my phone.. wish u all a HEALTHY, PRODUCTIVE DAY XOXO

love&luck

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Veganism is working out for me so far. I started on wedsday and I think yesterday (friday) was the hardest. I've been eating veggie delight subs at Subway like crazy tho! The sweet onion sauce is vegan btw. I also found a few good websites on how to eat out, or eat fast food and order items in a vegan  friendly manner. Vegans, GOOGLE is our friend :-)

To all the ladies who are thinking about becoming vegan but say school, or parents, or family is in the way -- try out flexitarianism. Basically you eat vegan or vegetarian as much as you can and when you cannot get out of eating meat you eat it. Basically you're still an omnivore but you focus on eating minimal meat.

My runs/jogs are fun! I really enjoy feeling like I'm out and about and not missing what is going on in the world because of my gym obsession.  Only problem with outdoor running.. i need better sneakers. ugh. I'm broke or I'd get a gym membership.

I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am THE SHIT. now, you might be thinking... "what a cocky bitch"... but let me explain.! Whenever I go out people want me around for my looks. Then they realize I'm deep, I'm smart, I can hold a conversation about my opinions -- political, social, emotional, or otherwise--, and they love it. I'm the life of the party. Bars legitimately give me free drinks as long as I hang around. Last night as soon as I walked in the bartender kissed me hugged me, told me thanks for stopping in to party and handed me my favorite drink and kept them coming all night for free. Best part? He walked to the ladies bathroom and did that. He saw me walk  straight to check my hair out. Life is crazy when everyone loves you!

I know other people find me attractive. I'm still working on finding me attractive. Will seeing a thinner, fitter me really do that? I don't know but I know my main problem with my appearance is I've felt fat my whole life!  I know I have a bad relationship with myself... but I've come a long way from puking with a toothbrush and doing laxatives with my grandmother-- so I still feel accomplished, I just feel like I'm not there yet.

anways, I see its raining and I may not go out for a run today :( wish I woke up early to work some overtime at work. Instead Im gonna power clean my room (is that cardio, lol) and GO BUY WEAVE YAAAY... I know its cool to hate on girls with weaves but buying a weave was a really big confidence boost and attention grabber for me. Guys probably all know its fake (um, hair to the small of your back usually is a giveway lol) and they don't care. They think I'm hot. Think about all those celebs who go out and buy hair... its just like getting your nails done! Plus the way I see it the better my hair is the more it cancels out body imperfections.

Plus luscious hair = sexy.
sexy  = people love you.
people love you = free shit. SIMPLE MATH GIRLS, LOL

well... wish you all a happy weekend ^_^

love&luck.

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i love her long tank -- they are a huge part of my wardrobe. I wear them with textured tights to make them "mini dresses" :)
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I really wanna start wearing more basic dresses this summer, but I wanna lose some bloaty-ness first... ugh..

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her makeup is a bit much, but I love the tanktop/tattoo look on girls! I wanna get somemore ink this summer! Her hair is how long my hair is too... I noticed guys like either super long like that -- or shoulder length that grazes your chest best... at least with me!

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hopefully minus 10-15 lbs this is my result.... I would love to just rock a sports bra and feel confident... on a jog or at a party!

So I weighed in this Monday and decided I wanted it to be DAY 1, the start of working on NEW IMPROVED ME... so I figured I would make this a mini-reintroduction post :)

APPEARANCE::
Im am 24 years old. 5 feet and 1/4 of an inch. As of last weigh in I weigh 114 lbs. I'm between a size 0 and 2 right now. My bra size is 34dd. I'm a black girl, deep brown complexion. I keep my nails short, but acrylic usually clear with colored tips. I wear a weave and I am NOT ashamed about it. I have it styled to look "scene" but I just like the look of full/layered hair on top and long straight in the bottom. Right now my hair is dark brown (a #4) with blonde/brown hilights (#30). I still am afraid to wear jeans because I feel like they make me fat. I wear tights or leggings with long shirts. I am kind of a rave kid and I always wear candy bracelets and a bow in my hair. I almost always wear tight form-fitting clothese because I feel like baggy clothes make me look heavy because of my chest. People have called me a Barbie doll for as long as I could remember. I'm considered small, curvy, with a lot of hair. Like a Barbie.

FOOD/FiTNESS/DiET::
I recently went vegan. I do not consider it a "diet" , as I see this being apart of my life longer than it will take to lose some weight. I count calories. I do not count calories when the item consumed is a plain fruit or vegetable becuz i believe the amount of those consumed should NOT be limited because they offer sooo many benefits to health/well-being. I decided to go vegan for health/fitness reasons. I also feel better knowing that the food I am eating didn't suffer or lived specifically to die early to be consumed. I DO NOT plan on trying to force my lifestyle on friends or change people's minds. It is something I want to do on my own.

Normally I would workout in the gym as often as possible, but I'm broke and my membership (luckily) ended as soon as the weather got nice. I go for runs 4-5 times a week for 45 minutes. When I was working out in the gym I had a strength/weight training program, I did 2 fitness classes --kickboxing and pilates,-- and worked on doing 45-60 mins of cardio on my own.

PAST FOOD PROBLEMS::
for as long as I can remember I felt like I was fat. I remember being like 5 years old and looking at and touching my belly. My family is the typical black family that will talk about your body positively or negatively to your face infront of the whole family during dinners. I didnt officially get "triggered" until spring/summer of 2nd grade. I was always really stylish with my outfits and everyone wanted to dress like me... one day I was wearing a striped black/white body suit (it was the early 90s!), with a black jean jacket over it left open. I had on jeans and sandals. My class was in the park and under the tree a girl, my best friend, the girl I wish I was , told me that I LOOKED PREGNANT.

It didn't really hit me until I started believing her. It took maybe a few months. I started NOT eating lunch at school. I started not eating until dinner. 1 meal a day. I started hiding in my closet to workout and run in place. I was afraid to eat in public. I was afraid to eat around people I didn't know. I remember riding my bike with the gears set up so it would be so hard to peddle so I would burn more calories. Looking back on that I wonder wtf was 4th grade me worrying about calories for!

sadly, during this time when my relationship with food wasn't the best I had an early puberty. I grew a chest which I decided was nothing but fat. I got worse... I started cutting foods out. I pretended not to like tons of fatty sugary foods to avoid being pressured into eating them. I stopped liking donuts. I stopped liking pizza. II stopped drinking soda. I stopped liking anything that seemed ilke a fat person liked. My favorite snack was water-- instead of getting ice cream money my grandmother gave me money for bottled water. 8th grade I was a full C-cup with a size 0 body. Lunch was water and a popsickle. Sometimes my grandmother would let me do laxatives with her. I loved the empty feeling. It would motivate me to want to feel empty for as long as I could.

Then I was called too skinny by boys who liked the bootylicious blackgirl stereotype. I was now too skinny to be dsesired so I made myself GAIN. I became a size 3 and guys loveed it. Eventually I felt fat and had to lose it again. But it was harder. I didn't really try to lose it again until the end of high school. A guy I dated was obsessed with his anorexic/bulimic exgf and I never really considered myself a person with a true ED, I was just good at not eating and taking laxatives in my mind. But after hearing him talk about the "messed up" things she did to stay skinny I realized I did the same things. Around this time I started fasting. The weight wouldnt drop with my short fasts,  so eventually I just let it all go.I wasn't meant to be skinny. I went from a size 0 to a 4. A few years later I was buying my first pair of skinny jeans. a size 7/8. I wanted to cry.

Thats when I got serious.Joined a gym. Started eating even more disordered. I had a new longtime bf and dinners with his family were traditional, heavy, and the thing that brought them together. and i participated so  my gain was understandable.... The pounds weren't dropping at all. I would stay at the gym for hours and nothing would give. So I mixed in some fasting. SLow results. A girl told me about alli, I tried it. I didn't notice much of a difference. so I stopped. I picked up binge eating as a way to bounce back from my fasts. I started purging too. BP became a ritual. Something to do whenever I was home alone.

Then it all hit me. people who are fit aren't fit because they fast, or bp, or binge, or workout for 3 hours every few days. Its a comitment. I decided I wanted to commit myself to my body. Hollywood stars with awesome body's get personal trainers -- not online fasting buddies! I started alli again, I quit eating dairy and eggs. I cut out all the junk food. I worked harder to add fruits/veggies to my diet. I focused on staying hydrated and active in the gym. I was losing weight FAST but I didn't look sick. My commitment to fitness and health started about a year and half ago. About 6 months into it I decided to throw out my purge toothbrush. I haven't purged since. I lost about 30 lbs in the matter of about 5-6 months.

I stopped taking alli last month after being on it for a year. I reached my all time lowest adult weight last summer and changed the way I used food. Food stopped being the enemy. being lazy and unhealthy is my new enemy. My weight goes between abour 110-120, and even though I wish i was smaller the numbers don't bother me too much. My face is slimmer, my thighs are tighter. I find myself NATURALLY making better choices about food instead of battling cravings.

FUTURE/GOALS::
This june I want to lose 10 lbs. HEALTHY. I run for cardio and I'm ONLY doing cardio. I have become vegan to focus on a cleaner more fibrous and healthy diet.I want to finally be able to get dressed and NOT try on 5 outfits before I find one that I don't look fat in. I want to feel confident and energetic. I don't want to feel like "oh, I cannot walk up to this guy adn talk to him cuz I'm bloated tonight". I want to KNOW I'm the best me I can be.

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Hey so Im going vegan!!! Starting this weds :) Decided why wait any longer?!

I've noticed I've kinda been skipping meat anyways, and when I eat meat I feel sluggish, bogged down, so... TIME TO KICK IT. Plus this will probably help me focus on eating more fruits/veggies/fiber and that means BETTER BODY. BETTER BODY = MORE CONFIDENCE = MORE HAPPINESS <3

Sadly... I am broke and my gym membership ran out. I decided I have sneakers, I have motivation, I can go on outdoor runs ;)

I just got back from running near the lake, it was soo hot and sunny and I got a bit of a tan (yes black people tan and burn as well lol)... but i sweat my butt off and it felt GREAT.

I didn't have money or think about how to workout so I didnt for like 2 wks. EWWWW... so I'm SURE I gained. But I'm not really worried. In my head its like "omg I quit alli and havent worked out in 2 wks... I know I'm fat"... and thoughts are flying and contradicting and I'm cool, and i'm freaking out about it all at once. I am probably like 120. MAX. Which isn't fat. so why do i think "omg i'm fat"... working out really has become such a big part in my life that if I'm not active I do NOT feel confident. Also when I work out regularly my life has a little more structure and I'm a little more focused on EVERYTHING I do. So, I'm thinking early AM runs at least 5 times a week.

Also whatever i weigh, be it 110 or 120 or 32482842 lbs I want to lose 10 lbs this june. First of all its a personal challenge for me. I want to feel like I still have the control and power to get stuff accomplished! So this little 30 day journey will be a fun way to kick off summer. ALSO there is a big zombie party coming up in July and I wanna be either a sexy nurse zombie, sexy bride zombie, or just a sexy zombie girl. SOMETHING TIGHT. AVANT GARDE MAKE UP. FAKE BLOOD. so I wanna look fit

I decided I party a tad too much. Drugs, alcohol music, and boys are awesome, but I never sleep and my body is still in great condition. I don't want to beat it down and end up looking like crap by the time I'm 30. Partying 7 days a week isn't good. So I decided weds thru saturday I'll party. Not a big difference but babysteps, girls! BABY. STEPS. lol.

and boys... oh my favorite subject... well I've been putting myself out there, meeting really nice people.. and always my few stand by hook ups. Oh yeah and my real "boyfriend" or wahtever he is now after our last huge fight. we did take time off and I did "come back" but things never got corrected between us. I don't feel that crazy "i need to be with you 24-7" feeling I felt back when I was 19. In fact each year we were together it faded away more. Maybe I grew out of him? I love him. In love? No. I am attached to him... but even that is fading. Our fights, his anger, his insults, the breaks, the reunions, the screaming matches... they have seriously driven me away from him..

I have an older lawyer guy who's been trying to win me over. I'll probably use him for money and drugs. I recently got fed up with my 3rd year medical student I've had by the balls since freshman year of college. I told him I wasn't interested... cuz I'm not. I know, I coulda just married him, divorced him and got 1/2 of everything lol.. jk... kidding! Decided it was time to let him be on his way. I didnt even think he was hot. He just had hot abs!

then there is the guy I talked about last entry. The dude I've crushed on for like... A YEAR. there have been other guys, and other hook ups, but we always found ourselves back together. Then I saw him with my own two eyes with another girl. It messed my head up. HARD. I knew we weren't exclusive but I never wanted to SEE him doing it. so I did what i normally do. I decided I didn't like him anymore. I didn't want to get attached to a hook up...

well... he showed up at the bar I go to every week... and I kept my space. One reason, the bartender and me kinda have a thing and I didnt wanna mess up my free drinks and cocaine. YOU KNOW ME ... one thing lead to another right in front of the bartender and after last call we're laying in the grass at the park talking, watching the sun come up... which like a yr ago was our first "hanging out on our own" thing... I dont wanna say "date".... ughhh!!! so yes, us back to where we "started" a year later.

He told me he felt bad cuz he felt like he was being a douchebag and that i thought he was a douchebag. He told me that he hasn't had a real gf in like 8 yrs (mind you he's a few yrs younger than me) and feels like he'd mess a relationship up... girls don't treat him right and blah blah blah. And I'm like "yeah. thats cool. I'd be nervous too". SIDENOTE: When I was 13 I was in it deep with a guy and he dumped me and I didnt date again until I was out of high school. He said girls are never honest or true to him and its hard to trust... then he says the only girl that was always honest and true was me.... and oh, god...

I hate when things get emotional like that. I don't know what to say or do. So I didn't say what I really felt ("IF I'M THE ONLY ONE... THEN LET ME BE YOUR ONLY ONE!!!")... I said what I thought would be best in that situation to say: if he doesn't feel prepared for a relationship, he probably shouldn't be in one. ANd he goes, "well what if being in one is what will make me confident"... and we talked more. we talked about "us"... we both agreed that MAYBE... ONE DAY... when our timing is right. I don't know how many of you watch Sex In the City... but doesnt that sound like some Carrie/Big kinda stuff haha...

oh and i lied to him about not talking to my "boyfriend" anymore. I kinda don't talk to him tho!

Thinking back on it. I wish I said what I really felt. Maybe our night woulda ended as us kissing and holding each other as bf and gf instead of kissing and holding each other as... whatever we are. I did tell him either way whatever we have, its something and we both know it, and thats all that matters... and that was the truth. He wanted me to come back to his house and cuddle, but I didn't... strange of me right?

THIS SUMMER WILL BE MY SUMMER. I want to focus on ME. My health, my feelings, my money, my future. I'm dong this summer right. I'm saying what I feel. I'm treating my body right. I'm gonna work on being the complete me I've been planing on being for years! This is it girls!

Tomorrow I will weigh in .. June 1 = Day 1 of my "-10 in 30"

sorry so long... felt all of this was relevant!


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pretty much gonna be what i'm wearing this summer... but i rock boots

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before&after... omg!

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I def wanna get some more tattoos this summer!

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love&luck

bahhhh... i woke up late, so i called in to work... either way i get a demerit. figured may as well stay home and use up some personal time to get paid for it.

yesterday was ok calorie wise... again, i do not count my fruits/veggies

B: banana
S: mandarin orange cup
L: organic tricolor pasta with sauce + broccoli and spinach (~300)
S: carrots
D: 6inch Subway sweet onion chicken teryaki (370)
1.5 liters water + Cup of tea
GYM: Elliptical (-344)
NET: 670

I woulda worked out more if I ate more but .. .yeah. I'd rather eat about 1200 and burn 400 ideally.

Anyway, I'll weigh in on saturday morning.

Last nite was kind of like a true bummerrrr. As you know I have a *lot* of admirers, and the ones i think are cute I hook up with. Well one I've been kinda into... I ran into him at a bar. We've been chilling for a year, on and off. We both talk about how much we do like each other and its just circumstances (i have a "bf") and blah blah blah... I guess in my head we had an understanding. And maybe we do? anyways... I saw him kiss another girl last nite.

Now, i shouldnt be mad, in fact all we are is friends but for some reason i felt hurt! And that surprised me. I usually do *not* let myself feel like any guy i'm crushing on or hooking up with owes anything to me... but yeah. It jsut kinda messed me up! He *is* the last guy I was intimate with and so that might be part of it. Everyone knows I have a crush on him... and he always seems into me, but maybe he's like me and just enjoying someone he's attracted to... no strings attached

But I'm just like really surprised how it hit me ya know? Not to mention, just last saturday I talked to him and I asked when we are gonna chill again.. he said soon as school is done... but now I'm like... ew... wtf... do I wanna? Knowing me I will if he asks, and it will be an epic emotional talk between us and we'll either break off our werid hook up affair. or take it to the next level... but... i dunno. seeing that made me wanna vomit! We talk about our relationship issues sometimes... and he's always like girls dont want me. no one wants me.. blah blah blah. I dont have time for a gf anyway... so its like uhhhh what do i think?

we did "hook up" about 3 wks ago.. but I dont consider what we do hooking up and that might be the problem. I think I was starting to feel like we were connecting emotionally and maybe seeing him pursue another girl was good. Now I realize I was getting attached emotionally so I now know I have to let him go before I really get hurt!

Add insult to injury, I cannot even hate this girl. She was very nice to me and kept telling me how gorgeous I was. Saying I was perfect and I didnt need makeup and I was so small and pretty. Saying this in front of him. And i was like being gracious. smiling. complementing her. Looking at my friends cuz they KNOW how I feel and he KNOWS how I feel.

all this makes me wanna just go back to my crappy bf. like at least i'll have him, ya know? I think I just want someone to love me, regardless of me loving them back. maybe that other guy I liked more than my bf and thats why it feels so weird? since when do feelings like that happen to me? or situations? this is worse than when that psycho chick last year thought i was stealing her bf (he*was*hot).

As soon as the bar let out we all talked in our circle but the girl left with her friends... and he talked about wanting to go out of town for concert and how me and our friends should come. hmm... cool idea... cut to after a drunken tirade about how his life sucks... he goes "what was that girls name... did anyone get her number?"

CUTE.

love&luck

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**i want a little vest like that? anyone know where i can find one???

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Sorry I've been lazy on posting. I honestly wasn't too dedicated to myself when I stopped writing. I have been working out.. not as much.. and eating right.

I QUIT ALLI. Its a great pill, and worked well for me. Its just expensive and I need the motivation to eat clean on my own minus using it a crutch. Also Im going vegan on June 2 with a friend of mine. We usually go out drinking on weds nites so we wanna have a mini party at our bar. I will attempt vegan cupcakes ^_^

also, i've been preoccupied with the disaster that is my relationship with my boyfriend. Everything is a fight. He belittles and criticizes my life, my choices, and my appearance.. Not to mention he has the absoulute worst temper.... so I quit him for about 2 weeks. Then I broke down and called him. We don't really hang out but we agreed to take it slow and try to work it out. We barely talk or see each other so I dont know how we are working anything out.. apart of me... is just hoping someone better comes a long.

we had a good time in Miami, and I raved my face off. he stayed in the hotel. we jsut don't really do stuff together anymore...

and i was having a mini panic attack in the bar last weekend, drunk, thinking about how my boyfriend and me are really pretty much done and was on the verge of tears. I know my lack of emotional control and boyfriend's anger brings me to emotional breakdown and panic attacks so i kenw i had to be alone. sadly i drove people there so i waited alone outside drinking my wine... and i drink for free btw... so when my main fling noticed me he was already leaving, which is good we try to be hands off in public- people talk, and i dont want rumors. and when i told him bye he had his hands out like gimme  hug... so i did... and he pulled away so i looked up at him and he kissed me... and it just felt so good... ughhhh talk about mixed feelings at that point....

weight wise I think since im not working out as hard and often, i probably gained a bit. I bet im in the upper 110s. Im on my period but will def weigh in asap after. whatever i weight i want to get to my old lw... which was 108 by the end of may. I still in mymind am gong for a look, but at the same time numbers are comforting. I"m trying to drink 2 liters of water a day, and to *not* break down and go to vegan junk food. I want to focus on eating whole foods.

So, ultimately now that I kinda dumped my bf, only have my side playdates, and maybe one soon to be bf, I have nothing but time to think about me and who i want to be and what i want to do. So I'm gonna try to work out more, post more, etc.

hope you're all ok. sometimes i wonder if im depressed lately! I think im in a rut, and i'm climbing myself out of it!

love&luck

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Well sadly me and my REAL bf have too many fights. I don't know why we just don't break up. I think we both know we are both capable at "forever"... even if its the shittiest forever ever. And who wants to walk away from "forever"? "Forever" is the goal! He fake broke up with me one night. I knew he didnt mean it and I was torn. I kinda wanted him to mean it.

Foodwise... I'm doing bad. and not like BAD as in I'M BINGING, EATING JUNK ETC... bad as in I'm not eating enough.It might not make sense but I know it has taken a toll on my body. My arms are very thin, my thighs are smaller, my lower abdomen... I have hip bones, smooth lines. It looks ok.. even kinda sexy, but I know if i was eating more and working out more I'd have way better tone. Everyone talks about how I'm "shrinking" and it doens't even make me happy anymore. I know I am. I want to tone up and get hard and lean. I feel skinny fat. How can I feel happy about that?!

I met with a trainer, and he gave me a nice program to do for about a month. Lots of weights, lots of endurance, lots of toning. I even bought vegan protein powder to make shakes for after my weight training sessions. By MAY 2010 I should be TIGHT. then in june we're gonna tweak it and this summer I should have a bomb body. I decided I'm going vegan June 1. This summer I want to be vegan so when the holidays roll around its me following my lifestyle and not starting it Jan1 yaknow.

boys boys boys boys... omg. I've been partying hard ladies. My weekends start on weds nites. My bf has a weekly get-together on weds... i drink there free. Leave around midnite and meet up with my crew... and we hit the town hard. I'm really cool with a bartender adn he lets everyone do drugs in the kitchen of the bar... so yeah. i kinda do coke in the kitchen of a bar now. woops how'd that happen! he's a sweet boy we have a lot in common and i like him but he's a tease and you girls know me... a challenge means I'm steppin my game up so i can get the prize. I'll hook up with him soon.. I can tell I'm getting to him. Everyone at that bar hits on me and buys me drinks but I have my eyes on the bartender. Kissing him.. eating cherries out his mouth... and they still try to impress me! i dont know how far I'm really gonna go with this kid but the challenge excites me... we're smart I don't see us making babies or anything too bad.. but with the alcohol and drugs flowing... we'll see.

every other week there is a huge drum n bass nite in town... and i go.. the dj has been trying to get with me for a while... but I dont know. I like to tease him but I don't see us ever doing anything. not really interested and he is married, but I enjoy the VIP treatment and flattery... last fri I went to the show and met these kids who were selling mollie and well... i bought so they hooked me up with freebees all night... did way more than i should have and the the show became too intense for my mental state and i went across the street to visit the bartender (how convenient right) and me rolling my face off talking to him and touching him and kissing ... it was just so good... then i got a text from my one friend who was partying at his studio... so after the bartender closed the bar (I keep him company while he cleans up... I stay till like 6am) I was invited to chill at the studio. I'm just sayin... my friend went down on me and it was a good nite ladies. Or maybe it was the molly.

so yeah. thats basically what i do weds/thrus/fri/sat. now. I don't eat. I get free drinks and drugs all weekend if I want them. And I take advantage of guys. I don't know how it happened (I got bored? am I escaping reality? am I just a true hedonist?) or why these guys let me (my looks? my personality?) but I'm not complaining.

Everything is so weird when you know everyone wants you and everyone wants to be you.... Its hard to really believe it. I wish I were prettier to this day... its like they really don't know the truth!

This week me and my real bf are going to miami for spring break... when i come back.. I'm jumping head fisst into my new workout program, researching veganism even more... and my local party life is always getting better. I know too many dj's and bartenders and drugdealers in this town now... I'll never sleep! Summer is going to be great.... lol...

I hope you ladies are all being productive and safe! I know what I'm doing seems risky... but I play safe, I set boundaries, and I ALWAYS make sure I'm with people I trust! I hope you all can understand! I stick to what I'm comfortable doing and when I have doubts I trust them.

Most of all I want to respect my body. It might sound like I'm not (not eating + drugs = BAD)... but everyday I knwo what I want to do and I try the best to make it happen. I will get my hard body. I will look GREAT this summer. My goals will be reached... it is possible to work hard and play hard! Keep the balance

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so I'm having a pretty hard time eating. I can wait forever to eat and I think its making me bloaty. I'm reallllly fighting with myself everyone.

Then there are times where I do eat and I'm like. ugh. too much. then I think... well I didnt eat all day so oh well.

NOT GOOD. my days are almost alternating like that. I think a lot of my problem is I AM NOT RECORDING EVERYTHING IN MY PHONE. I hate iphone. when I had my Blackberry i was so good at it! and I keep making a mistake and smashing alli pills in my purse! like wtffff. I bought a cute lil' tube (really its from an eyeglass repair kit) to put them in to protect them now.

plus sometimes i look at me and i'm like "damn, i'm thin as hell".. then i'm like.. "ugh my effing cheeks are fat"... "ugh... my stomach is pouchy"... so I'm really going thru soemthing right now. I'm trying to fight it.

MONDAY:
B: banana + apple
L: wheat wrap by "flatout" (80) + chicken (~50) + veggies + serving of lime organic chips by "food should taste good" (140) + snap peas + salsa
S: grapes and berries
D: APPLEBEES - 5 boneless buffalo wings (~400) + side of fries (452) + 1/2 bbq chicken sandwitch (~300)

GYM: elliptical (-115) + stepper (-304)

NET: 1003

ok, very not happy with food choices AT ALL. lots of fried items, not enough veggies. I am gonna focus on more water, more apples, and more tea today. sadly I'm out of the rock sugar I like to use from tevana, but a guy at work that I think secretly wants to bang me has some.

speaking of guys. lately my bf has just been disappointing. I'm starting to just feel indifferent about him. 6 years. no REAL complaints. he isnt cheating. he isnt beating me. and its like i kinda want more than that tho! I'm not trying to marry him. but i feel like for the time we've been together things should be different. like we shouldnt have the fights we do. he shouldnt smother me and try to control me. i feel like everything i was unhappy about when i was 18 are the same things I have problems with now at 24. like maybe i changed and he didnt and it just irks the SHIT out of me. we should probably at least be able to verbally say i love you. you know little things...

anyways. i guess i've been literally thinking single. not just hook ups. but thinking like.. "is this the type of guy i'd leave my bf for"... and that scares me. There is ONE GUY that I'd at least go on a bf break for. and he is YOUNGER THAN ME by a couple/few years. So its very unlikely but I feel like he really appreciates me when we chill and we've been on and off "chilling" since like July. We hung out a couple fridays ago and he just wanted to cuddle and watch movies... listen to my bf probs... and kiss me wherever I wanted.

And it just boggles me that someone could be so down for me and tell me he dont care if he's just on the side... and tell me he doesnt care about the girls who breeak his hearts... he just wants to at least make me feel good.... its like wow. and the complements he gives me makes me literally melt. no one calls me a vixen or appreciates my body like he does. HECK NOT EVEN ME OBVIOUSLY... so i dont know. if i could be with *him* I'd probably put my bf on hold until spring break...

oh yeah, now he doesn't wnat to go btw. every year we go. now he's like i'm broke. mind you. SMOKING. GAMBLING. DRINKING. DRUGS are always in the budget. he's like i'll have to figure it out. its like.. wtf PRIORITIES, DUMBASS. I guess I'm tired of being let down. I just feel like this dude is emotionally draining me out. Making me crazier than just the regualr food body image crazy I had. I feel detached from him. Like just so I dont flip out on him, I emotionally remove myself from "us".

I have a couple hook up prospects... both reaaallly hot dudes. One cutie who probably will never make a move unless I make him. and the guy I wrote about. its like I got a few guys who are looking wayyy more appealing than being in a draining relationship. I just dont wanna give up on all those years! Its hard!

not to mention me and the guy with the psycho ex gf who stalked me on myspace... WE'RE KINDA FRIENDS NOW. weird. she's in jail btw. long story. but he and I have been having jut really cool platonic, non-trying-to-do-it-or-hook-up conversations on facebook. and he's really nice. He'll see me on chat and always just wanna know like why dont we hang out etc, like he wants to KNOW ME. and i hated him mostly cuz of that girl in the end. I dont want his body or anything but knowing me... lol...

lol... well... pilates... cardio... focusing on MORE WATER and FIBER. those are my goals. I gotta get a new bikini soon. I need to get seirous.

love&luck

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Hey everyone <3

so I haven't been "too good"..... Not binging or purging or anything like that. But I do realize i'm restricting way more than I want to. Past few days I havent eaten a proper fibrous breakfast. I barely have lunch. And I'll kinda eat dinner. A part of me is like "yayyyy no calories" and another part of me is like "this is totally not healthy".

i will feel hungry. Don't think I lost my appetite. Its more of a fleeting thing. I'll be like "man, i'm hungry". then I'll get discouraged to eat. I'll think "meh... but do i really wanna SPEND MONEY on FOOD?" or "mehh... do I really feel like GETTING UP JUST TO COOK AND EAT"... or I jsut do it to see how long i can wait. This is very very bad. I'm screwing my metabolism. I'm fighting with myself to fix it.

other than that I"m good. Gym going fine. somedays when i suck in my stomach is perfectly flat so that makes me happy. I'm getting there.

sadly my lazy butt never hooked up my wii. i didnt weigh in. sorry. real soon. i like to do it in a towel before i eat after i use the bathroom.

as far as the rest of my life.. me and my boyfriend are in the middle of a fight.. in typical me and my boyfriend fashion. he's very very unhappy with me wanting more tattoos and piercings. it hurts. he wants me to give up something i'm passionate and enthusiastic about for him... even tho i would never ask the same of him. i'm not sure if we agreed to disagree... but i dont like anything about the tension between us now

thank god for playdate boys... i finally made out with a bartender  i was crushing on for a while... and one of the guys i've been kinda on and off intimate with gave me the most fantastic oral sex i've ever had in my life a few nights ago....

tmi!

monday:
b: pineapple fruit cup (70)
d: wheat pasta and tomato sauce (~300)

gym: stair stepper (-326) + tredmill (-122)

net: -78 calories

I should be happy but this is not healthy at all. I'm happy I'm not over my calories but I'm mad that I was very very unhealhty

love&luck.

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woke up and definitely noticed i destroyed an awesome pair of shorts I liked to wear around the house.

yep. I got my monthly visitor. YAY PERIODS.

my friend who is training for a fitness competition doesn't get hers anymore cuz she lost sooooo much body fat. Sadly, I'm shorter than her, smaller than her, and lighter than her and I get mine so that means I probably have more body fat percentage wise. ew. Soon as i get some money after Miami and paying down my bills I want a trainer for some tips. This summer will be MY SUMMER.

then i made my normal chicken soup without the chicken in it and I guess I got a different brand of broth and it came out unusually sweet and ... ew... so I dranned it, kept the veggies and spelt noodles. I can use it as a side for dinner or something. boo.

as for what I ate yesterday -


B: banana + apple
S: pineapple + grapes + orange
L: tomato wrap (180) + chicken from a rotisserie chicken (~100) + sauteed peppers and veggies + lettuce
D: Alexia organic spicy sweet potato fries (180)
S: 4 Newman O's dairy free organic cookies (260)

GYM: stair stepper (-311) + tredmill (-97)

NET: 312

I didnt work out as long in the gym as I should have -- I started to get cramps. The menstrual kind, not the working out kind. Boo.

so yes... I'm 80% sure I'll be in the gym after work tonite. As long as nothing too painful happens with my aunt dot in town in all.

well, I hope you're all doing ok too... I already ate 4 effing cookies (i was like heey why not?!!! wtf!!!) so I'm mildly off track, but its early and I still have time to make it a good day!

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her legs are kind of bulky compared to many girls, but they look like she is an amazing athlete. If I ended up with these I'd be happy. Beats flab any day!

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ohhh the summer girl look... not a care in the world but her cell phone, sunglasses and drink... with abs like that what worries would you have anyways?